Dear Avery -- 3 months old

Dear Avery,

I can't believe you are 3 months old already! You have gone from being an infant -- a newborn -- to being a real live BABY! You are sturdy and fat and curious and happy and beautiful.

Last night was your first night in your crib. Daddy and I missed you. One of our favorite things to do is to watch you sleep. But we knew it was time to let you do it on your own. Hard as it was, we had to let you grow up a little. We had to let you go.

Turns out you still needed us though. You cried every 20 minutes for your binky. Daddy and I took turns running into your room to give it to you. It wasn't a good night's sleep for either of us but we didn't mind. You still woke up all smiles and that was all that mattered to us.

Some day I suppose you'll leave us again. You'll want to have a sleepover or go on a date or go off to college or get an apartment or get married. That won't be easy for us either. Like last night, we'll miss you. But we'll have to let you go. And as long as you're all smiles, we'll know it's the right thing to do.

You certainly won't be needing your binky by then. But whatever it is you do need, Daddy and I will come running. Whether you're down the hall or around the world, I can promise you this -- we'll be there.

We love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 13 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Daddy and I were just talking about how we get excited to wake up in the morning because we know you'll be there ready to greet us with that big smile of yours. There is nothing more beautiful. And it's even better now that you're consistently sleeping until morning! Every day with you, Avery, is a gift. And I treasure each and every one of them. 

You celebrated the start of your first Hanukkah the other night and are about to celebrate your very first Christmas. All of these firsts with you are so special and I am so lucky to spend them all with you. 

Daddy asked me what I wanted from Santa this year. I told him I already have everything I could ever want.

I love you and Daddy so much.

Love,

Mommy

your first snowfall

Dear Avery -- 12 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Yesterday was our Weight Watchers day. I love bringing you there. And you love it too. You stand on my lap and look around and smile at everyone. You are so social. And boy do you bring joy to all the old ladies at our meeting. They always tell me what a good baby you are!

I didn't lose any weight this week. Actually I gained a little. But it's ok. Because I gained something else while we were there. A new friend.

You'd think that making friends as an adult is easy. Actually it isn't. It's a little bit trickier than it was as a kid. And I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. 

I've always had good friends. Friendship has been a constant source of joy and energy and warmth and love in my life. I wouldn't trade my friends for anything.

But as I've grown up, so have they. They have jobs and families and travels and schedules. They have lives. And theirs don't always line up with mine. I find myself talking about you sleeping through the night or throwing up all over me or pooping on our neighbor's rug. And you know what? They're not always all that interested. I don't blame them really. I wouldn't have been interested a few months ago either. 

But time marches on. Old chapters close and new ones open.  Kind of like friendships. Only old friendships don't have to end. They are the most special kind. But there's always room for new ones.

So you and I are making new friends together. Thomas is just about a month older than you. The old ladies in our meeting like to say that he's your boyfriend. You sure do love looking at him! Thomas is your new friend. And his mommy is my new friend.

We did the same with our neighbors. Hunter is a month younger than you. He is your other new friend and his mommy is mine. They don't mind talking about poop. In fact, it was his rug you pooped on!

The other day we went to play with Michelle and Zoey. Do you know that Michelle is my oldest friend? I've known her my whole entire life. Our mommies became friends when we were babies. And now our babies are friends. Amazing, isn't it?

Finding a friend is like finding a treasure. I'm so proud of us, Avery. What a wonderful adventure we're having finding them together.

I love you sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 11.5 weeks old

Dear Avery,

Do you remember that bridge I was telling you about in my last letter, the one I would cross when I came to it? Well sweetheart, I've come to it. I didn't think I'd be here so soon, but I was informed the other day that the bridge needs to be crossed by January 15, in fact. The clock is ticking.

There are two roads on the other side of that bridge. One road will bring me back to my classroom, where I've spent my days for the last ten years. My source of energy, creativity, friendship, purpose and pride. My definition of me. Hello, my name is Andra, Mrs. C., First Grade Teacher. 

But where would that road put you? In the care of somebody else. Somebody else who isn't me. 

Millions of women choose that road. And I give them all the credit in the world. But I don't want to. 

And the other road? Well, that road would keep me here with you. 

If only things were that simple, Avery. But as you'll find out for yourself one day, nothing in adulthood is that simple. It's quite complicated actually. Money doesn't grow on trees, especially not these days.  Daddy and I have worked so hard to build a life for you that is comfortable and secure, with food on the table, diapers on your bottom and a beautiful home for you to always call your own. Right now, Daddy's the only one working. And boy does he work hard for us! I've never known a man who works harder than your daddy. But the reality is these are hard times. And we have to keep on working. Daddy more than me. But I've got to pitch in too.

So to choose the road to you, I need to do two things. I need to let go of my career. And I need to find a job. Neither of which are easy. 

Yesterday I started my search for a waitressing job. I got out of my mommy sweatpants, put on some makeup and threw on my high-heeled boots. Daddy even told me I looked hot. But guess what? Nobody even wanted to talk to me. They just told me to fill out an application. Easy, right? Nope. I walked in there with a master's degree and the confidence of a 32-year-old woman trying to do the best for her family. And I walked out feeling like an idiot. Do I know all the different brands of scotch and whiskey??? No, honey, I don't.

I haven't given up though. And I won't. I've got other job options in the works. Finding a job won't be the hardest part. 

Letting go of myself as a teacher will. I've always been proud to tell people what I do. Will I be proud to tell them I wait tables? I doubt it. But that's the vanity in me talking. Maybe it's time for me to swallow my pride.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what I tell people or what they think of me or what my job is. What matters is that I'm your mother. 

And I've never been more proud of anything else in my life.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 11 weeks old

Dear Avery,

I used to worry about postpartum depression. I worried that without working, I'd be sitting at home all day bored to death. I feared that I would desperately miss interacting with other adults. I was afraid I would get frustrated with you. Bored. Lonely. 

Turns out, though, the only postpartum thing I have is postpartum euphoria. I love being at home with you. I am the happiest and fullest I've ever been. I love our walks together. I love playing with you. I love singing to you and dancing around crazy to make you laugh. I love feeding you and bathing you and dressing you and putting little bows in your hair. I don't even mind changing your stinky diapers. I love being the one to take care of you. I just love all of it. 

I've done a good job making friends and keeping busy. We have lunch with Grammy every Wednesday. We see Auntie Shannon and Carter and Mason (and now Hadley!) all the time. We go to Weight Watchers every week. We have playdates with our neighbors. We go to story hour at the library. And we'll be starting a play group soon. I think you're starting to be a little social butterfly just like your mommy.

Sure there are little frustrations here and there. Sometimes you won't eat. Or nap. And sometimes you scream. But when you do, I am the one that gets to soothe you. I rock you back and forth and tell you over and over, "Mama's right here." 

I love that I'm right here. And when you smile up at me, all of that other stuff just disappears. There's no place else I'd want to be.

Before I was your mommy, though, I had another job. I was a teacher. For 10 years. I loved what I did. I was good at it and I was proud of myself for that. Daddy and I made the decision together for me to take this year off. We decided to do it as a gift to you. I wanted to save all of my time and energy and give it to you during this first year of your life. Daddy wanted you to be cared for by me, not some stranger. 

Turns out, this year is a gift to me too. A gift to our whole family I think. As Daddy likes to say, "a happy wife is a happy life." We're pretty happy around here, Avery.

Yesterday we went for a visit to my old school (you were quite a hit with all the ladies and all the kids!) and I realized this. I really don't miss it. It was fun to see my friends. But I don't want to spend my days teaching other people's children. I want to spend my days teaching you.

Someday I may decide to do both. I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. But for now I want you to know how much I just love being your mother. It is the best job in the world.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 10.5 weeks old

Dear Avery,

You are not the baby anymore. That's right -- your LITTLE cousin, Hadley Isabel, arrived on Sunday. I am beyond excited that she's here and she's healthy and she's A GIRL!!!!! Don't tell Auntie Shannon or Uncle Craig, but all of my fingers and toes were crossed for a girl! You don't know it yet but I think you're happy about this too.

I have so many dreams for you, sweet Avery. I think that's what mommies do -- they dream for their babies since their babies are too young to do it for themselves. 

And now I can dream for you and Hadley together. That you will grow up as cousins, best friends and "sisters." That you'll share dolls and clothes and shoes and make-up and bows. That you'll trade good laughs and good cries and all of your deepest darkest secrets. You're going to have so much fun growing up together! I just know it.

Let's just hope you don't share boyfriends.

Love,

Mommy

you laughed!!! -- 2 1/2 months old

This was about 2 minutes before we received the phone call about the birth of your new baby cousin -- Hadley Isabel!!!!