Dear Avery -- 6 months old!!

Dear Avery,

You are 6 months old today -- half-way to your first birthday!!!! I can't believe how much you keep growing and changing and learning every single day. You are eating real people food, waving bye-bye and getting up on your hands and knees and rocking back and forth. I think crawling might just be around the corner. You certainly want to GO!

You also get sweeter every day. Your cuddles still completely melt my heart and your beautiful little giggle is still my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing to you much. You've been keeping me very busy. And very tired. You've been going through this phase lately (let's HOPE it's just a phase) where you want to start the day at 4:00am. Mommy and Daddy aren't as fond of this idea. And of course your little brother or sister growing inside of me is making me very tired too. 

But you and I have this good little thing going on these days. We nap together. People used to always tell me, "Nap when the baby naps" but I never really bought into it. I had too much to do -- laundry, cooking, cleaning, writing. Well all of that has now gone out the window. What's important is that you and I get our playtime together and that we get our beauty sleep. 

So every day around 2:00 we go upstairs, get under the covers of my big comfy bed and curl up together with a few of your toys. We play for a few minutes and then we drift off. I don't really know who falls asleep first. But sometimes we don't wake up until after 4:00. I open my eyes and there you are snuggled up in my arms with your rosy little cheeks, breathing quietly in and out and dreaming away. 

I love our naps together, Avery. And I can tell you love them too. It's such a special, special time for us -- all three of us. 

Kiss me -- I'm half Irish

Your first bite!!

Dear Avery -- 5 1/2 months old

Dear Avery,

I wish I could tell you I was big and brave and confident with this new life growing inside of me. I really thought I would be. I already have you. And the proof is in the pudding -- my body can in fact do this. 

And I wasn't planning for anything more just yet anyway. I already have you! I don't need anything more. So why am I such an anxious mess?

As it turns out, it isn't really about need at all. No, sweetheart, it's about love. I already love this new little life inside of me. I love it with all of my being. I love it like I love you. And to tell you the truth, I am scared to death of losing it.

I've experienced both sides of the coin. I've lost a life inside of me. And I've tasted the miracle that this tiny life could be. How can I not want that again?

One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn is this one -- there are no guarantees. You can hope. You can want. You can plan. You can pray. But in the end, there are certain things you just can't control. Unfortunately the miracle of life is one of them. I guess that's what makes it a miracle, right? 

So yes, I am scared. I am anxious. I am worried. I am counting down the hours to my first ultrasound on Friday. But...I do believe in miracles. 

And you, sweet girl, are my reason why.

Love,

Mommy

nap-time around here these days

We're both a little tired these days. Sleep is oh so good.

Dear Avery -- big news!

(If you know me in real life, please respect that we are not making this news public just yet -- thank you!)

Dear Avery,

Daddy and I have some very exciting news for you. The dolly in this picture is not the only baby we brought home for you from the Bahamas. That's right, my sweet girl, come November, you are going to be a BIG SISTER!!!!

This news is a surprise to us -- a very welcome surprise! Some people might tell me I'm crazy. They might think that you're going to get jipped. You will only be 13 months when this new baby comes home -- still a baby yourself! I'm going to need to figure out  a lot of things. How will I hold you both? Bathe you both? Feed you both? Soothe you both? How will I ever carry you AND a diaper bag AND a newborn in a car seat?

Some people might ask me another question too. How will I ever love you both?

Yes, you are going to have to share a lot of things. You will need to share your toys and your books and maybe even your clothes. And sometimes you might not be so happy about that. 

But let me be clear on this. You will never need to share my love. There's no limit to love. It just grows. And Daddy and I will always have plenty to go around. Bringing home a new baby won't ever mean that we'll love you any less. If anything, it will mean that we'll love you more. 

You will always be our first born. The first kick in my tummy. The first smile that melted us. The first giggle that filled our hearts. These things will always belong to you.

And now you get to be the BIG SISTER, something that I never got to be myself. I always dreamed of having a little sibling close in age. It was my biggest wish. This new baby is going to adore you. And you are going to just love having somebody to play with. The two of you will share a bond that is different than anything Daddy and I could ever offer you. And I can't wait to witness it.

No, sweet child, I don't think you're getting jipped at all. In fact, I think you and your little brother or sister are just about the luckiest babies in the whole wide world. I am so SO happy for you.

I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

p.s. this is how you told Daddy the news!

Dear Avery -- 5 months old

Dear Avery,

Where has the time gone? You are getting to be such a big beautiful baby. And you started sitting up on your own today!!! I couldn't wait to come home to you after my trip. I practically ran into the house to see you. Do you know that I fall more in love with you every single day?

Last week I had an accident. These things happen, even to grown-ups. I dropped and broke my laptop. It was like a technological fire. Everything was gone -- my music, my poetry, all of my hundreds of pictures of sweet you. The entire hard drive needed to be replaced. I sat there with the computer doctor as he broke this sad news to me. If this had happened a year ago, I know I would have broken down and sobbed for hours. I would have been just devastated. 

But I didn't shed any tears. I was frustrated, yes. But I knew it wasn't the end of the world. I looked at you in your stroller flirting away with the computer doctor and I smiled. And then I thanked God. I dropped a laptop. Not you.

When I was a little girl, your Uncle Craig and I had an accident. We dropped an entire jug of apple juice onto Nannie's kitchen floor while she was outside hanging laundry on the clothesline. This was back in the day when everything was glass. The jug shattered and the juice spilled everywhere. We were terrified. We were sure she would kill us. But to our great surprise, Nannie walked in, looked around and said, "Well, let's start cleaning it up." She wasn't even mad!! Nobody was hurt. It could be fixed. 

This was my first lesson in not crying over spilled milk -- or in this case, spilled apple juice. I've thought back to this day often and I've spent my life trying to perfect that calm that Nannie so eloquently modeled for me that day in her juice-covered kitchen. 

But this hasn't been easy for me. Some spills just seem bigger than others. Last summer I was in hysterics because I closed the trunk of my car on my sunglasses. I was very far from calm. And it was a pair of sunglasses for pete's sake. 

You have given me such a gift, Avery. Perspective. You have taught me to look at life with a whole new set of eyes. You have shown me what matters. You have made the small stuff easier to handle. And you've helped me see that it's almost all small stuff. You've finally brought clarity to the lesson that my grandmother tried so hard to teach me so many years ago. 

You, sweet girl, have made my world a happier place. Just by being you.

Love,

Mommy