Dear Avery,
Before you were even two weeks old, you had already taught me so much. There you were -- tiny little you, just 11 days old and barely 7lbs -- and you were teaching Mommy lessons bigger than I was ready for. And you were completely oblivious to it.
You taught me that sometimes (not usually but just sometimes) giving up is the right thing to do.
I never believed this before. I'm not a giver-upper. Some may call me stubborn. When I decide I'm going to do something, I do it. It's a quality I quite like about myself actually. I follow through. In fact, I hope you inherit this from me. How do you think I managed to give birth to you naturally? I said I was going to, and so I did.
The first week that we brought you home from the hospital was not easy. It was beautiful, yes. But not easy. My love for you was so sudden, so shocking and so tremendous, I thought I could drown in it. Daddy and I were filled with more joy than we knew what to do with. Then Daddy came down with the flu. That was hard. He wanted so badly to keep you and I healthy that he sacrificed holding you and touching you and being close to you. And boy did he miss you! This broke my heart. And how could I take care of him when I was so overwhelmed by taking care of you? Yes, that first week or so was very hard.
I was committed to breastfeeding you. I had my heart set on it. I bought all the bras and creams and pads. I loved the thought of nourishing you with my own body.
Only it turns out I wasn't nourishing you. My milk never came in. I don't know why. I gave up on trying to figure it out. All I know is that my little girl wasn't gaining any weight and it broke my heart. We waited it out for 11 days and tried EVERYTHING. It was exhausting and upsetting. And so painful to see you hungry day after day after day. I knew it wasn't supposed to be this way and I couldn't stand it anymore. After a very long weekend of feeding and pumping and supplementing with a medicine syringe and lots and lots of crying, (both me and you) Daddy and I made a decision. We couldn't starve you for another minute. We went straight from the pediatrician's office to Target and bought you a whole car-load full of formula.
And we haven't looked back. You are thriving and happy now. This makes Daddy and I so happy. Looking back on it, I actually wish I had made the switch sooner. I was told the first two weeks of breastfeeding were the hardest. So I was trying to stick it out. Trying to follow through. Keeping my word.
Being stubborn.
Now I know there are certain things in life in which trying to be a hero gets you nowhere. There are certain times when giving up is the right thing to do. Feeding your child is one of them. When your daughter is hungry, you feed her. Period.
There are moments now when you ferociously take your bottle in your tiny little mouth and you suck like your life depends on it. Your big wide eyes look right into me and I wonder what you're thinking. I whisper to you my promise over and over again, "Mama's not going to starve you."
I hope you believe me. I love you so much sweet Avery.
Love,
Mommy
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