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Dear Avery -- our first Mother's Day

Dear Avery,

It was a glorious day. You slept 11 1/2 hours last night and played happily in your crib after you woke up. You gave me snuggles and hugs and kisses. And then you gave me a special Mother's Day nap -- over an hour and a half! What more could a momma ask for? 

You are the best gift I have ever been given. I love you a million trillion bazillion godillion. And even more than that.

We went out for a special brunch today -- just you, me and Daddy. And then the plan was to plant a Mother's Day tree together in our front yard so we can watch each year as you and the tree and your little brother or sister all grow up together. 

But we got sidetracked with a little red wagon. It was a random thought today but we went with it. And it turned into Daddy's big project. He was on a mission. I can't really say it was smooth sailing. But after 2 trips to Walmart, runs to 2 different Targets and a long time in the car stuck in a traffic jam, we got your wagon. And boy was it worth it. You LOVE that thing. And there is nothing, and I mean nothing, in the world that makes me happier than to see you lit up with joy. I think Daddy really knew how to make my day. Did I mention he also dusted, cleaned the bathroom and made the formula today? Your daddy is a good man.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I really am the luckiest lady in all the world. And I am so honored to be your mother.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Avery -- 7 months old

Dear Avery,

I am writing this letter 2 weeks late because you give me very little time to write these days! You are one busy little girl -- crawling all over the place and getting into everything. Half the time I am literally out of breath from chasing you. 

Oh and the other day I went to get you after a nap and there you were, standing up in your crib with your head and arms dangling over the side -- you almost gave me a heart attack!! Daddy and Papa lowered the crib that night! 

These pictures were from the day you turned 7 months old. We took you to Lake Massapoag where Mommy grew up. It was such a wonderful, special day. Daddy and I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

picture day with your cousins!

Look Who's Crawling!

Dear Avery -- your baby brother or sister

Dear Avery,

Yesterday was a special day. You came with me to my 12-week appointment. We had to wait a little while in the waiting room. And you -- my little social butterfly -- you loved it. You smiled and laughed and played peek-a-boo with every person who walked by. You were the hit of the office, with your Pebbles style ponytail and your silly little giggles. You lit up the day. And you were so excited, I think you thought we were at Disney World or something. 

And then it was our turn. I got on the table and faced the stroller so that you could see everything. I know you obviously had no idea what was going on and I know you won't remember it, but it was so amazing for me to share this special moment with you. You were sitting there smiling ear to ear while my midwife and I listened to the little thump-thump-thump-thump-thump of your little baby brother or sister. I'll never forget that moment. My two babies together.

I love you both.

Love,

Mommy

The Army Crawl

Of all the millions of toys we have in the house, your very favorite is the cap to your bottle. Of course it is. You've been chasing that thing around the family room now for about an hour. You are a girl who wants to GO!! Mommy and Daddy better go buy some gates.

Your first day at the park

Your week of men

Look at all your boyfriends!!! Jack, Thomas and Dylan. AND you're seeing Hunter tomorrow. Maybe Daddy should have a little talk with you...

So close to crawling

Dear Avery -- 6 months old!!

Dear Avery,

You are 6 months old today -- half-way to your first birthday!!!! I can't believe how much you keep growing and changing and learning every single day. You are eating real people food, waving bye-bye and getting up on your hands and knees and rocking back and forth. I think crawling might just be around the corner. You certainly want to GO!

You also get sweeter every day. Your cuddles still completely melt my heart and your beautiful little giggle is still my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing to you much. You've been keeping me very busy. And very tired. You've been going through this phase lately (let's HOPE it's just a phase) where you want to start the day at 4:00am. Mommy and Daddy aren't as fond of this idea. And of course your little brother or sister growing inside of me is making me very tired too. 

But you and I have this good little thing going on these days. We nap together. People used to always tell me, "Nap when the baby naps" but I never really bought into it. I had too much to do -- laundry, cooking, cleaning, writing. Well all of that has now gone out the window. What's important is that you and I get our playtime together and that we get our beauty sleep. 

So every day around 2:00 we go upstairs, get under the covers of my big comfy bed and curl up together with a few of your toys. We play for a few minutes and then we drift off. I don't really know who falls asleep first. But sometimes we don't wake up until after 4:00. I open my eyes and there you are snuggled up in my arms with your rosy little cheeks, breathing quietly in and out and dreaming away. 

I love our naps together, Avery. And I can tell you love them too. It's such a special, special time for us -- all three of us. 

Kiss me -- I'm half Irish

Your first bite!!

Dear Avery -- 5 1/2 months old

Dear Avery,

I wish I could tell you I was big and brave and confident with this new life growing inside of me. I really thought I would be. I already have you. And the proof is in the pudding -- my body can in fact do this. 

And I wasn't planning for anything more just yet anyway. I already have you! I don't need anything more. So why am I such an anxious mess?

As it turns out, it isn't really about need at all. No, sweetheart, it's about love. I already love this new little life inside of me. I love it with all of my being. I love it like I love you. And to tell you the truth, I am scared to death of losing it.

I've experienced both sides of the coin. I've lost a life inside of me. And I've tasted the miracle that this tiny life could be. How can I not want that again?

One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn is this one -- there are no guarantees. You can hope. You can want. You can plan. You can pray. But in the end, there are certain things you just can't control. Unfortunately the miracle of life is one of them. I guess that's what makes it a miracle, right? 

So yes, I am scared. I am anxious. I am worried. I am counting down the hours to my first ultrasound on Friday. But...I do believe in miracles. 

And you, sweet girl, are my reason why.

Love,

Mommy

nap-time around here these days

We're both a little tired these days. Sleep is oh so good.

Dear Avery -- big news!

(If you know me in real life, please respect that we are not making this news public just yet -- thank you!)

Dear Avery,

Daddy and I have some very exciting news for you. The dolly in this picture is not the only baby we brought home for you from the Bahamas. That's right, my sweet girl, come November, you are going to be a BIG SISTER!!!!

This news is a surprise to us -- a very welcome surprise! Some people might tell me I'm crazy. They might think that you're going to get jipped. You will only be 13 months when this new baby comes home -- still a baby yourself! I'm going to need to figure out  a lot of things. How will I hold you both? Bathe you both? Feed you both? Soothe you both? How will I ever carry you AND a diaper bag AND a newborn in a car seat?

Some people might ask me another question too. How will I ever love you both?

Yes, you are going to have to share a lot of things. You will need to share your toys and your books and maybe even your clothes. And sometimes you might not be so happy about that. 

But let me be clear on this. You will never need to share my love. There's no limit to love. It just grows. And Daddy and I will always have plenty to go around. Bringing home a new baby won't ever mean that we'll love you any less. If anything, it will mean that we'll love you more. 

You will always be our first born. The first kick in my tummy. The first smile that melted us. The first giggle that filled our hearts. These things will always belong to you.

And now you get to be the BIG SISTER, something that I never got to be myself. I always dreamed of having a little sibling close in age. It was my biggest wish. This new baby is going to adore you. And you are going to just love having somebody to play with. The two of you will share a bond that is different than anything Daddy and I could ever offer you. And I can't wait to witness it.

No, sweet child, I don't think you're getting jipped at all. In fact, I think you and your little brother or sister are just about the luckiest babies in the whole wide world. I am so SO happy for you.

I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

p.s. this is how you told Daddy the news!

Dear Avery -- 5 months old

Dear Avery,

Where has the time gone? You are getting to be such a big beautiful baby. And you started sitting up on your own today!!! I couldn't wait to come home to you after my trip. I practically ran into the house to see you. Do you know that I fall more in love with you every single day?

Last week I had an accident. These things happen, even to grown-ups. I dropped and broke my laptop. It was like a technological fire. Everything was gone -- my music, my poetry, all of my hundreds of pictures of sweet you. The entire hard drive needed to be replaced. I sat there with the computer doctor as he broke this sad news to me. If this had happened a year ago, I know I would have broken down and sobbed for hours. I would have been just devastated. 

But I didn't shed any tears. I was frustrated, yes. But I knew it wasn't the end of the world. I looked at you in your stroller flirting away with the computer doctor and I smiled. And then I thanked God. I dropped a laptop. Not you.

When I was a little girl, your Uncle Craig and I had an accident. We dropped an entire jug of apple juice onto Nannie's kitchen floor while she was outside hanging laundry on the clothesline. This was back in the day when everything was glass. The jug shattered and the juice spilled everywhere. We were terrified. We were sure she would kill us. But to our great surprise, Nannie walked in, looked around and said, "Well, let's start cleaning it up." She wasn't even mad!! Nobody was hurt. It could be fixed. 

This was my first lesson in not crying over spilled milk -- or in this case, spilled apple juice. I've thought back to this day often and I've spent my life trying to perfect that calm that Nannie so eloquently modeled for me that day in her juice-covered kitchen. 

But this hasn't been easy for me. Some spills just seem bigger than others. Last summer I was in hysterics because I closed the trunk of my car on my sunglasses. I was very far from calm. And it was a pair of sunglasses for pete's sake. 

You have given me such a gift, Avery. Perspective. You have taught me to look at life with a whole new set of eyes. You have shown me what matters. You have made the small stuff easier to handle. And you've helped me see that it's almost all small stuff. You've finally brought clarity to the lesson that my grandmother tried so hard to teach me so many years ago. 

You, sweet girl, have made my world a happier place. Just by being you.

Love,

Mommy

more Bahamas pics

Dear Avery -- from the Bahamas

Dear Avery,

I am writing this from the Bahamas. I am looking out over the balcony -- the sun is shining, the palm trees are swaying, the ocean is glistening aqua blue. I miss you.

I keep thinking about what it would be like if you were here with us. I know you'd love all the bright colors -- the trees, the ocean, the gardens -- and I know you'd love the little kiddy pool. But here's what you'd hate --that fresh, strong ocean breeze and the beautiful, hard stone floor of our suite. And I know you'd just try to eat all the soft white sand.

I think we made the right choice to leave you with Nana and Papa.

Daddy and I are having a really good time. We've been snorkeling along the coral reef and seen Nemo up close and personal. We've had frozen cocktails right on the beach. We've floated on boogie boards and let the waves carry us wherever they've wanted us to go. We've gone running together barefoot on the white sandy beach. We've eaten fresh conch salad pulled right from the shell in front of our eyes. We've had fancy dinners, boat rides to tiny islands and cold drinks in the hot tub. We've been massaged head to toe, waited on hand and foot and treated like nothing less than royalty. As I type this, Daddy is taking a lazy afternoon nap and I am wrapped in my robe, fresh from a long hot bubble bath. This is the vacation of a life-time.

Still, though, the best part of my every day here is coming back to our suite to watch the little 30-second videos of you that Nana and Papa keep sending us. Beautiful, little, smiling you. I am going to be so happy to come home to you.

As much as I am missing you right now, I know that Daddy and I will return to you even better parents than when we left. A good parent is a happy parent. And a happy parent comes from a happy marriage. Taking time to do things together as a couple is just as important as tucking you in at night. This step back from reality has brought Daddy and I a step closer together. We are falling in love all over again.

Somebody once told me that the key to a happy marriage is to do just that -- find a way to fall in love over and over and over again. So far, I'd have to agree.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Avery -- 4 1/2 months old

Dear Avery,

I am on an airplane right now, a million miles away from you. I really thought about packing you up and taking you along with me. You did fit very nicely inside my suitcase, but I knew all along that I was going to have to say good-bye.

I left you last night, making sure you were filled with sweet dreams before I placed one last kiss on your forehead and walked away. I did better than I thought I would. No tears. Not then anyway. Nana & Papa called this morning and told me you woke up all smiles. I know you will be fine. You will be better than fine. You will have a ball.

You are the lucky one. You are too young to have any concept of time or miles.

I did ok until I stepped into the airport this morning. There was a woman with a baby. He was strapped to her chest, snuggling into his mama while she smoothed the hair on the top of his head and did the mama sway back and forth. I longed for you. Why weren’t you here with me too? The tears sprung to my eyes.

I felt compelled to talk to this mother and tell her that I was a mother too. I needed her – I needed SOMEONE – to know that I, too, knew how to do the mama sway. I walked up to her, asked how old her baby was and told her that my little girl was at home with her grandparents. The look on her face broke me. She thought I was crazy. The questions were there written all over her face. You left your 4-MONTH-OLD?!?! How could you?!? What kind of mother are you???

And now I am left to ponder these questions on my own. Am I selfish? Cold? Just plain crazy??? What kind of mother leaves her baby???

I want you to know that I never wanted to leave you. Never in a million years would I have actually planned a trip like this. But it is what it is and here I am. On my way. And I do know in the big picture, this was what was best for you and best for me and Daddy. Your daddy worked very, very hard for this week of tropical paradise. We deserve this. And god help me, we will enjoy it.

But still, it’s strange not having you here with me. Empty. I miss you so much my heart hurts. But it’s even more than that. There is another question burning inside of me.

Who am I without you?

I know who I am with you. I am beautiful. Even with my unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth and sweatpants stained with spit-up, I am still beautiful, the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. And I am funny. With my horrible nails-on-chalkboard singing voice, I can make your whole face light up and dance with laughter. And I am brilliant. You watch my every move with those wide awe-struck eyes of yours and you hang on my every word.

Your presence just makes me more. You love me so fully, it’s hard to imagine I even existed before you came along. I’m not so sure anymore that I ever did.

Other people have suddenly been drawn to me too. In the check-out line at the grocery store, the library, the bank – everyone wants to talk to me, be near me, be my friend. I’ve grown quite used to it. But it finally dawned on me today that they aren’t drawn to me. They are drawn to you. Beautiful, amazing, perfect little you. Of course. Duh. Nobody has even looked twice at me on this plane to the Bahamas. I am no longer a shining star. I am ordinary.

I didn’t even realize that somehow in the last 4 months I had become an extension of you. And all along I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Silly me.

As I’m writing this, though, I know it isn’t all true. I am sitting next to your daddy, the love of my life, and I know he sees me as you do. He saw me that way long before you were here. I’m not ordinary to him.

I was someone before you were born, my sweet girl. And I am still her. Just more.

And even if I don’t exist to all these strangers on the airplane, that's ok too. Because next week when I am holding you on my chest, swaying with you back and forth, smoothing the hair on the top of your head and watching you look up at me, I know I will be very, very far from ordinary.

I love you and miss you so much.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Avery -- 4 months old

Dear Avery,

You are 4 months old now. You are rolling all over the place, cooing to your "friends", reaching for your toys, trying to hold your bottle on your own, smiling at every new face and always, always laughing at your daddy.

Right now you are sleeping away in your crib, Daddy is on the road, the snow is falling and the house is quiet.

Next week Daddy and I are going away on a trip. I wish you could come with us. But you wouldn't like it very much. It will be hot and sandy and unfamiliar. And your toys wouldn't fit in our suitcase anyway.

So you will stay with Nana and Papa. I know you will love it there. They will shower you with hugs and cuddles and kisses. They will feed you and sing to you and play with you and read you bedtime stories. They will love you to pieces every minute of every day that we are gone.

I'm hoping you won't even miss us. I pray that you are too young to recognize our absence and that you will just be happy to be fed and bathed and loved. I think this is going to be a whole lot harder for me than it will be for you. I'm going to hate leaving you. It's going to just break my heart. 

But I promise to come back. And when I do, I will be rested, rejuvenated and even more in love with your daddy than I already am. I'll also be more in love with you. I will be full of energy and ready to give you my undivided attention and cherish all of our little moments together. I can't wait for that giant toothless smile of yours and those big bright eyes to welcome me home. I am going to swoop you right up and hold you close to me and kiss you all over. 

And you won't even remember that I was ever gone.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy.